Making the decision to become a parent is a huge deal. I know I’m stating the obvious, but when it is upon you to actually make, it seems so much larger than life and even myself.
How can little ol’ me be a Mommy AND a Daddy? How will I explain to a little human where their Daddy is? This haunts me a bit, but like everything else I guess I will figure it out and come up with a satisfactory answer… “Insert answer.”
After exploring adoption in Nevada and really thinking about this as an option, I have decided to instead have a baby via donor and artificial insemination. Wow, I actually am doing this! Holy shit! Exciting and scary as hell!
It is said that when a decision is made and one takes control, they feel relieved. This has actually been somewhat true for me.
I don’t know if this is because, in my mind, I am now free from the desire to meet a man at this moment? I have come to a place where the thought of being vulnerable one more time is too scary for me. I prefer to put this energy and effort toward starting my family. I pray and really, really want to believe that I will one day again open my heart to love.
The things that flood my mind are:
- What will my child draw when they draw a picture of their family? (Mommy and…imaginary Daddy?)
- How will I answer the question of, “What can you tell me about my Daddy?”
- What will I respond when asked, “Where is my Daddy?”
- What is bigger – nurture or nature?
- Who will come to every Dr. appointment with me? (I currently live 3.000 miles from my Mom)
- Who will talk to my belly other than me?
- Who will come to parent teacher conferences with me?
- Who will tell me that even though my body is changing, it is still beautiful?
The list goes on and on. BUT, despite all of this, I am still moving forward and doing it. I will take each day as a blessing and do my best to remember that I made the right choice.
Photo credit: Jennifer Salem