Since August I had been thinking a lot about my situation. I really had envisioned a sense of relief by freezing my eggs, but that feeling never came.
I never in a million years thought I would be making a decision to actually have a baby by myself either via adoption or artificial insemination.
As little girls we are taught that when you have a baby you do this with your husband. Your husband is by your side in a Lamaze class, your husband will tell you that you look beautiful as you carry your child, your husband will be in the delivery room encouraging you. At least this is what I was taught and believed deep in my soul.
I remember being a little girl and singing, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.” Well, we see how that turned out. I know that the times are different… blah, blah, blah.
We are ingrained with these beliefs and when they turn out different it is scary and takes getting used to. Changing this lens has been more difficult than I imagined.
I do know that I am tired of dating and if I am not willing to date then how can I meet someone? I have been actively dating for 20 years and frankly, I am tired. I just don’t have it in me anymore. This is a big dilemma. One which suggests a pro-active decision must be made about a baby – either adopt or donor insemination. Being a parent is not an option, this is something I will do.
Of all the futures that I can imagine, I cannot image a single one that doesn’t have a child in it…
The time has come for the retrieval. What a long process. So many needles! See attached photo (delivery one of three). I know I am preaching to the choir, especially if you’re reading this and have already gone through this. I admire women who endure this process time and time again.
I elected to freeze my eggs at age 37. This was my choice and I am happy that I actually have that choice to make. Of the 40+ women in the waiting room each day for monitoring, most likely only five of us were doing something proactively. Again, I am happy I have the choice.
This was also especially challenging because I also ended a relationship. Man – Gentle, smart, good values, handsome…. BUT emotionally unavailable. They say timing is everything and I believe that to be true about this situation. I wish him well and still have love in my heart for him. You can imagine this added additional emotions to the roller coaster I was on.
I was told throughout the injections that my body was not responding and we would only get approximately 5 eggs. This scared me. What was wrong with my body? Why wasn’t it working correctly. With an FSH of 9.11 and AMH of .28 I knew I needed this to work. This was very discouraging as a 37 year old woman. The same question came into my mind, “Why am I in this situation? Why hadn’t I met anyone sooner and started a family?” Logically this is a good thing, I hadn’t meet the right guy. But, I still have sadness around this.
Once all was said and done I was able to produce nine eggs. All were kept, hooray!!! When they told me I couldn’t believe it. I guess it was all worth it.
Now, I could relax and let the love stuff find a way … Or, so I thought.
To be continued…
Sent from my iPhone