A Dozen + One


March 2016

After many months of legal negotiations and signature after signature we are here. The past 84 days have felt like forever. Each day I have imagined my little baby. 

Will these donors help me become a mother? Will these donors help me reach my biggest dream? Will all of these tears, fears and financial investments actually lead to my desired result? I have put all of these questions in faiths hand each day. This has been the only way to keep going, to keep moving. 

3/24 – Today the donor will have her egg retrieval. I need a good number of eggs as the reality is we will only likely end up with 60% of what we start with. My desire is to only fertilize SOME with donor sperm. I believe I will one day meet someone and having some eggs will give me an opportunity to have a child with this person and their sperm. This is VERY important to me. 

I check my email again and again and again. No update. The waiting is torture. I must check my email a million times. 

Finally… there is an email! I take a deep breath before I click it open. 

16 eggs, 13 mature. My intial feeling is disappointment. All of the previous donations resulted in a larger number of eggs. I wish there was more. After I have a moment to sit with my initial feelings I focus on the fact that one of these 13 eggs will result in me becoming a mother. I tell myself to stay focused on this. 

After seeking guidance from my physician we decide that there are not enough eggs to save some for future use. We must fertilize all of them. Remember, we will likely only end up with 60% after fertilization and chromosome testing. 

I have such mixed emotions. I am so happy because I am closer to being a mother than I have ever been but I am also extremely sad that I won’t have any remaining eggs. Will someone want to be my partner if I cannot give them a child? Will my pool of mates decrease because I don’t have my own or donor eggs to have a child with them?  This might sound irrational to some people but these are the thoughts in my head. I do my best to not sit in this mental space too long. 

Step 1 done… now we wait for five days. What will these little eggs do when fertilized? Will they grow and divide as they should? Will they be strong enough? Will they be boys or girls? Again, just like every other step, a lot of questions remain. 

As I end this very important day I pray and quietly cheer  for each of my 13 eggs. 

“You cannot use your time to the best advantage if you do not make some sort of plan.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt 

December 2015

“You have only a 10-12% chance of having your own genetic child.”

“You have only a 10-12% chance of having your own genetic child.”

“You have only a 10-12% chance of having your own genetic child.”

I will NEVER forget these words and the way I felt after hearing this from my IVF physician in September 2015. I heard these words over and over in my mind for many months following that appointment. I asked myself the same questions over and over again…

  • How could this be happening?
  • How could my biggest dream have another obstacle within it? 
  • Why was this happening? 
  • Wasn’t it enough that I had to use a sperm donor? 
  • How would I EVER pick an egg donor?? 

This went on for many months and I cried many tears. I felt a lot of loss during this time as I am sure all other women in my position have felt. It still brings tears to my eyes. Throughout my soul searching I kept coming back to one image – me as a mother. It was clear, I needed a plan.

I spent many days near the ocean as I came to terms with my situation. The ocean brought me a sense of peace and acceptance. Here is where I found the strength to keep moving ahead. 


I slowly began to look for an egg donor. I’m not going to lie, this was a big mind F$&K!!  There was no one like me – someone who looked like me, shared my  likes and dislikes, shared the same heritage. It felt impossible to pick someone. I was overwhelmed and frankly so sad about my situation. It was the little  things – my green eyes, my freckles, my height, the certainty around my health background. There was so much to consider. I felt sick each time I looked for a donor. 

Cautiously I continued my search and I kept coming back to one woman in particular. We looked somewhat alike, but she wasn’t me. We had similar interests, but she wasn’t me. It went on and on. To be honest, I was so so scared. Picking an egg donor was much scarier than picking a sperm donor. 

In December 2015 I finally selected the donor. She was as close as I was going to get. I liked certain things about her – she seemed happy, we shared some similar features, we were interested in simiair activities, she was smart, she was healthy and she had demonstrated pregnancies from her previous 5 donations. 

Yes, 5 DONATIONS!!! And, most important, she was an open donor. This meant I could meet her and she was open to  meeting my child one day should they desire this. 

As I closed out 2015 I had a plan… the journey toward motherhood moved forward.