Time spent in self reflection is never wasted – it is an intimate date with yourself

The last time I wrote was 19 months ago. While at this moment it seems like yesterday, a lot has transpired since then. 

September 2015 – The journey of pursuing motherhood with a partner was not meant to be.  Why you ask… it got too complicated. The realities of life appeared and they were too great to overcome. 

Making a long story short – the man and I tried to conceive via IVF using my frozen eggs and his sperm. Only one of nine eggs made it and actually fertilized. That one embryo was of poor, poor quality and did not result in a pregnancy. 

Once this happened the two of us moved in an opposite direction. I guess that was a sign bigger than any sign. In a time when we should have been there to lean on one another, we were not. In a time when we should have comforted one another, we did not. In a time when we should have grieved together, we did not. 

That was September 2015. It was a dark, sad month for me. I was grieving the loss of my dreamed about child and grieving the loss of my budding relationship with this mans child. When I reflect on what made me most sad it was the following:

  • The reality that my relationship with this mans child was going to be very different than I had hoped, most likely only from a distance 
  • I had no more frozen eggs left
  • Only one of my eggs made it and it was poor quality
  • I was back on the journey to motherhood alone
  • I was uncertain of my next step…

I spent the next few weeks somewhat lost and afraid of what was next.

“Do I regret exploring this path?” I have often asked myself that question. No, I do not. I believed that it might be possible for us to co-parent together. I believed I could be a mother to this mans child. I believed this man could be a father to my child. Was this stupid, I don’t think so. I would rather be a believer with open eyes than a constant skeptic. 
While I had no clue what my next step was…. I believed I would figure it out. 

CMV, Genetic Tests, Acupuncture, Prenatal Vitamins, Clomide, IUI, HSG, SAT… Oh My! 

Who knew there was so much to consider and do when trying to conceive. My question, “What would have happened if I just went to a bar, had a one-night stand and got knocked up??”  

I know more about my potential baby daddy than I do any other man I have ever slept with. Initially at least. 

No, this doesn’t mean I’m a slut but rather it would have been weird to say, “Ummmm, excuse me, while you take your clothes off can you tell me your:

  • Grade point average
  • Genetic test results
  • CMV – positive or negative (who has ever even heard of this one !?!)
  • SAT scores
  • Mom and dad’s height/ weight
  • What historical event you would have liked to witness
  • Personality assessment

Oh, and, by any chance do you have your baby photo in your back pocket?  Three photos preferably. 

I’m grateful to have all of these things about donor 14127, but it is also WEIRD and overwhelming. 

People ask, “Why this donor?”  I guess it is just a feeling I have. Hard to explain. Unless you have been in this position it might be hard to understand. After looking at what seems like thousands of  profiles again and again I kept coming back to “him” – donor 14127. He is an “anonymous” donor, which means he wishes to not be contacted in the future. This brings up some questions in my mind:

  • Is it fair to select an anonymous donor?
  • Will my child be upset that they cannot find this individual in the future? 

I don’t know the answers to these questions, but the reality is that most donors choose to remain anonymous. 

Another topic that I should probably cover is my frozen eggs. Will I be using these right now or not?  I have decided to save those eggs for another day and undergo an IUI instead. What is IUI? 

  • Intrauterine insemination (IUI) involves a lab to separate fast moving sperm from sluggish or non-moving sperm
  • The fast moving sperm are then placed into the woman’s womb close to the time of ovulation when the egg is released from the ovary in the middle of the monthly cycle

Going with the IUI route I am able to save my eggs for later. Perhaps I will meet someone someday and we can have a baby together. Or, maybe in a few years I will want a 2nd child and I’ll have “old” eggs so I’ll need my frozen eggs. Who knew that someone in their late 30’s could have old eggs :). Basically, this just gives me more options in the future. 

With all these decisions made the countdown begins. 1 month until we (me, dr., donor 14127 and God) make a baby…

Photo credit: Fol Greetings 

Photo credit: Sisu Hospital