Since August I had been thinking a lot about my situation. I really had envisioned a sense of relief by freezing my eggs, but that feeling never came.
I never in a million years thought I would be making a decision to actually have a baby by myself either via adoption or artificial insemination.
As little girls we are taught that when you have a baby you do this with your husband. Your husband is by your side in a Lamaze class, your husband will tell you that you look beautiful as you carry your child, your husband will be in the delivery room encouraging you. At least this is what I was taught and believed deep in my soul.
I remember being a little girl and singing, “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.” Well, we see how that turned out. I know that the times are different… blah, blah, blah.
We are ingrained with these beliefs and when they turn out different it is scary and takes getting used to. Changing this lens has been more difficult than I imagined.
I do know that I am tired of dating and if I am not willing to date then how can I meet someone? I have been actively dating for 20 years and frankly, I am tired. I just don’t have it in me anymore. This is a big dilemma. One which suggests a pro-active decision must be made about a baby – either adopt or donor insemination. Being a parent is not an option, this is something I will do.
Of all the futures that I can imagine, I cannot image a single one that doesn’t have a child in it…