A Dozen + One


March 2016

After many months of legal negotiations and signature after signature we are here. The past 84 days have felt like forever. Each day I have imagined my little baby. 

Will these donors help me become a mother? Will these donors help me reach my biggest dream? Will all of these tears, fears and financial investments actually lead to my desired result? I have put all of these questions in faiths hand each day. This has been the only way to keep going, to keep moving. 

3/24 – Today the donor will have her egg retrieval. I need a good number of eggs as the reality is we will only likely end up with 60% of what we start with. My desire is to only fertilize SOME with donor sperm. I believe I will one day meet someone and having some eggs will give me an opportunity to have a child with this person and their sperm. This is VERY important to me. 

I check my email again and again and again. No update. The waiting is torture. I must check my email a million times. 

Finally… there is an email! I take a deep breath before I click it open. 

16 eggs, 13 mature. My intial feeling is disappointment. All of the previous donations resulted in a larger number of eggs. I wish there was more. After I have a moment to sit with my initial feelings I focus on the fact that one of these 13 eggs will result in me becoming a mother. I tell myself to stay focused on this. 

After seeking guidance from my physician we decide that there are not enough eggs to save some for future use. We must fertilize all of them. Remember, we will likely only end up with 60% after fertilization and chromosome testing. 

I have such mixed emotions. I am so happy because I am closer to being a mother than I have ever been but I am also extremely sad that I won’t have any remaining eggs. Will someone want to be my partner if I cannot give them a child? Will my pool of mates decrease because I don’t have my own or donor eggs to have a child with them?  This might sound irrational to some people but these are the thoughts in my head. I do my best to not sit in this mental space too long. 

Step 1 done… now we wait for five days. What will these little eggs do when fertilized? Will they grow and divide as they should? Will they be strong enough? Will they be boys or girls? Again, just like every other step, a lot of questions remain. 

As I end this very important day I pray and quietly cheer  for each of my 13 eggs. 

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen” – Ralph Waldo Emmerson

Making the decision to become a parent is a huge deal. I know I’m stating the obvious, but when it is upon you to actually make, it seems so much larger than life and even myself.

How can little ol’ me be a Mommy AND a Daddy? How will I explain to a little human where their Daddy is?  This haunts me a bit, but like everything else I guess I will figure it out and come up with a satisfactory answer… “Insert answer.”  

After exploring adoption in Nevada and really thinking about this as an option, I have decided to instead have a baby via donor and artificial insemination. Wow, I actually am doing this! Holy shit!  Exciting and scary as hell!

It is said that when a decision is made and one takes control, they feel relieved. This has actually been somewhat true for me. 

I don’t know if this is because, in my mind, I am now free from the desire to meet a man at this moment? I have come to a place where the thought of being vulnerable one more time is too scary for me. I prefer to put this energy and effort toward starting my family.  I pray and really, really want to believe that I will one day again open my heart to love. 

The things that flood my mind are:

  • What will my child draw when they draw a picture of their family? (Mommy and…imaginary Daddy?)
  • How will I answer the question of, “What can you tell me about my Daddy?” 
  • What will I respond when asked, “Where is my Daddy?”
  • What is bigger – nurture or nature?
  • Who will come to every Dr. appointment with me? (I currently live 3.000 miles from my Mom)
  • Who will talk to my belly other than me?
  • Who will come to parent teacher conferences with me?
  • Who will tell me that even though my body is changing, it is still beautiful?

The list goes on and on. BUT, despite all of this, I am still moving forward and doing it. I will take each day as a blessing and do my best to remember that I made the right choice. 



Photo credit: Jennifer Salem