And then there were 10…

March 2016

4 days later I learn that 10 embryos have fertilized, divided and been sent for PGS screening. 

If you’re like me this is the first time you have heard of this. That’s the thing, before you experience IVF it is hard to imagine any of this. 

“Preimplantation genetic screening (PGS) for aneuploidy is a powerful genetic test that may be performed on embryos during IVF treatment to screen for numerical chromosomal abnormalities. PGS is performed on a small embryo biopsy prior to transfer and identifies which embryos are chromosomally normal.” (Courtesy of google)

This test was important to me because knowing what embryos have the correct chromosomes helps to ensure we can create a viable pregnancy. It is impossible to know without this screening. Despite using a 29 year olds eggs there is still a chance of abnormalities being present. 

Again, I wait. I will not know the results of this screening until tomorrow when I arrive for implantation. I go to bed praying that my 10 little golden embryos are strong and contain the correct chromosome makeup. I need as many of these as I can get. 

A Dozen + One


March 2016

After many months of legal negotiations and signature after signature we are here. The past 84 days have felt like forever. Each day I have imagined my little baby. 

Will these donors help me become a mother? Will these donors help me reach my biggest dream? Will all of these tears, fears and financial investments actually lead to my desired result? I have put all of these questions in faiths hand each day. This has been the only way to keep going, to keep moving. 

3/24 – Today the donor will have her egg retrieval. I need a good number of eggs as the reality is we will only likely end up with 60% of what we start with. My desire is to only fertilize SOME with donor sperm. I believe I will one day meet someone and having some eggs will give me an opportunity to have a child with this person and their sperm. This is VERY important to me. 

I check my email again and again and again. No update. The waiting is torture. I must check my email a million times. 

Finally… there is an email! I take a deep breath before I click it open. 

16 eggs, 13 mature. My intial feeling is disappointment. All of the previous donations resulted in a larger number of eggs. I wish there was more. After I have a moment to sit with my initial feelings I focus on the fact that one of these 13 eggs will result in me becoming a mother. I tell myself to stay focused on this. 

After seeking guidance from my physician we decide that there are not enough eggs to save some for future use. We must fertilize all of them. Remember, we will likely only end up with 60% after fertilization and chromosome testing. 

I have such mixed emotions. I am so happy because I am closer to being a mother than I have ever been but I am also extremely sad that I won’t have any remaining eggs. Will someone want to be my partner if I cannot give them a child? Will my pool of mates decrease because I don’t have my own or donor eggs to have a child with them?  This might sound irrational to some people but these are the thoughts in my head. I do my best to not sit in this mental space too long. 

Step 1 done… now we wait for five days. What will these little eggs do when fertilized? Will they grow and divide as they should? Will they be strong enough? Will they be boys or girls? Again, just like every other step, a lot of questions remain. 

As I end this very important day I pray and quietly cheer  for each of my 13 eggs. 

Dreams Become Reality When You Take Action

January 2016

The day had come. The day I was going to meet the potential female, genetic link to my child. How am I feeling… scared, anxious, uncertain, excited, sad, nervous, grateful. 

So many emotions all mixed up. What happens if I don’t like her? What happens if there is something weird about her? What happens if we don’t connect? What happens if I have to start all over? The risks of actually meeting are a reality now. I have thought about this meeting so many times. I have sought professional guidance on what to do. I keep coming to the same answer – “Tiffany, you must meet her.”  Despite this answer, it is NOT easy. I will be her 6th donation and not a single family has elected to meet her. That shows you how hard it actually is. 

Why do I want to meet her?

Since I have to pick both genetic sides, sperm and egg, I want to at least have some sort of connection to one of them. 

Some of my reasons… I do not intend to keep my child’s genetics a secret. I intend to share age appropriate information throughout the years and this meeting will give me important pieces to the puzzle. I am a curious person so I will likely raise a curious child. Lastly, I never, ever want to have to answer “no” when my child looks at me and asks, ” Mom, could you have met the sperm or egg donor?”  

As I drive to meet her at Starbucks I am filled with anxious nervousness. I find a parking spot and just sit. I have arrived early which only gives me more time to think, damn it!

As the meeting time approaches I make my way into Starbucks. As I enter the coffee shop, I see her. I am a few people behind her in line. She doesn’t see me. I spend the next few minutes watching her. What do I notice?

  • She is polite to the Barista
  • She is soft spoken
  • She is confident
  • She is pretty

She finds a table outside where I eventually walk out to meet her. These few steps were extremely hard, but necessary. 

But there was only one option – keep walking. 


We embrace one another and I immediately like her. I can tell she is just as nervous as I am. Five previous donations and only one meeting like this. 

We talk about so many things –

  • Life experiences
  • Likes/ dislikes
  • Childhood experiences
  • Art
  • Yoga
  • Travel
  • Family
  • Parents – their thoughts on her numerous egg donations. They are supportive
  • Her motivation for donating – she states this is because she has a desire to help someone like me. I can’t help but wonder, does money play a role? It must. 
  • My intense desire to be a mother 
  • Our future relationship – I will dictate this. She is open to meeting my child in the future should they have this desire. All necessary legal steps will be taken to ensure I am the driver of any and all contact. 

There are several moments during our meeting where I almost experience an out of body observation of us. I hear my mind saying, “This is the woman who will give part of the genetics to my child. This is the woman who will give part of the genetics to my child.”  

After spending time together we embrace one another and take a photo. I will forever keep this photo as it is a reminder of my strength and her generosity. 

As I get back to my car I just sit. What emotions do I have now? Hopefulness. 

What an amazing time we live in. One step closer to becoming a mother.